Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I looked at my own cervix.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Randomize
