I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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