Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
