My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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