just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
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