Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Randomize
