Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
