Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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