someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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