i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
It's like God shit irony all over that family
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
