First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Randomize
