dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
