i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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