Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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