i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
