apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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