I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
