somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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