Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
