sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
