Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
40s are totally the cure
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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