i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Randomize
