just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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