I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
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