so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
