He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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