Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
