I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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