the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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