he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
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