Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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