I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
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