Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
