i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
