I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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