Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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