she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
He better not be in your backpack
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
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