got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Randomize
