Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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