Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
