I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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