cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
