What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
