Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
