You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Randomize
