his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
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