You made me cry and you don't even care
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
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