I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
