my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Randomize
