D3 body, D1 cock
i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
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