I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
