If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
