Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize
