I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I think I sprained my soul last night
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
