we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
i drank out of a bidet.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
