My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
