hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
please don't ironically join a cult
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