White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
