If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
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Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
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She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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