mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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