Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
