as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
