I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Randomize
