the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
