is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
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