Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Randomize
